Nothing left to hide

Something happened yesterday. Something earth shattering. It was one of those things, that if you’re a keeper of secrets you would be all to familiar with. You carry it with you everywhere. Decisions are made, opportunities turned down out of fear that it will expose you, expose it..

For literally a lifetime, my existence and my identity have been the worlds best kept secret for some. If you know me personally, or not, maybe you’ve just put a few of the puzzle pieces together.. you would know that in my early 20’s I was reunited with one half of my birth parents; my birth mother Natasha. It was at that time that I became aware that my birth father had not ever been open to his wife or family about my existence. So upon this discovery, I made myself a promise that I would never interfere with my birth father’s family or expose his secret. My conclusion has always been that everyone has secrets.. some are just significantly bigger than others.

In addition to this, I became very aware of the other people involved. The family of my birth father, did not ask for any of this, I am not a consequence of their actions and the discovery of my existence could potentially break an entire family unit. I always sensed that if the truth ever did come out, it would be earth shattering. How can you be married to someone for 32 years, only to find out that they’ve hidden something like a secret love child from you? How do you cope when your parents tell you that you’ve got a secret half sibling? I never wanted to be the reason for these innocent people having to consider these questions.

Yesterday it happened. The truth came out. Not by any action of my own, might I add. This was not my doing, not my wish, but I understand why the person responsible finally let the cat out of the bag. Initially I felt completely broken when I considered what would follow on for him and his wife. They would no doubt have a lot to discuss, to work through..but then I’ll admit, a wave of relief came upon me. The last lie. The last secret that I’ve been carrying around. It does feel freeing to know that I no longer have to hide who I am, I can tell my story openly, I can do that Ancestry.com DNA test that I’ve wanted to do for the last 5 years.

I sent a message to his wife apologising for what had taken place. To be confronted in her front yard with this information that had been hidden for 32 years. I cannot imagine the pain and betrayal she would have felt. I feel for her. In hindsight, I have found myself considering why I felt like I had to apologise. Essentially I apologised for existing, for being an inconvenience and cause of pain to her. As for him.. he never wanted me and he has made no effort to reach out. Still.. I’m left feeling raw by this whole experience, constantly having to bring my thoughts back in check and remind myself that the story I began with, the one where I wasn’t wanted.. thats not my story. & this guy, this person that I share DNA with. He is not my father. Through two very brief conversations I have come to know where my yearning to be in the ocean comes from, perhaps where my love of adrenaline also. The rest.. it means nothing.

I have a family. I have three beautiful children and despite feeling like this would absolutely break me in two… it hasn’t. Has it hurt? indeed. Have I felt rejection again and again.. yes. I feel this issue that adoptee’s wrestle with of feeling as though we don’t quite ‘fit’ anywhere… it will be something that I have to continue to punch on with for a lifetime. Nonetheless, I feel a freedom now. It’s out. I’m no longer a dirty little secret. It’s just a small part of my story, and we all know.. its never a good book without a plot twist.

Not sure why I felt to make this one public. I’m still writing a lot, but most of it is in private until I feel such a time to make it public. I just felt that instead of this crew, deciding who I am & what part I may have played in this.. I should give my two cents on the matter.

Sasha Fierce

Weekly wrap-up

This Week: was full of appointments, firmer nap times, house cleaning, coffee catch-ups and Mums group. I also helped my friend search for a new place to call home and today we have the concrete going down for the slab for our shed.  So overall, it’s been a pretty good week.

On Monday we had to get an ultrasound for Sophie as she had some digestive issues last week. A few hours after her ultrasound, the plumbing started working again. It’s always the way, isn’t it? Kudo’s to our tiny human though, she didn’t cry once for the whole 30 minutes. The ultrasound tech was really impressed, as was I.

I’ve been working on being a lot more disciplined in implementing Sophie’s routine this week. It has paid off wonderfully. Every night I have made a conscious effort to keep the routine before bed exactly the same, so she knows what to expect. It has made such a difference to the amount of time it takes to get her settled. We have also been working on allowing her to self settle, this has been a little testing in that I needed to learn the difference between noise and crying. Sophie will let out almost a little yell of protest, but within about 3 minutes she puts her head down and drifts off.

We had my Mum’s group on Tuesday. It was such a nice morning. There are a few women who have recently had babies and they made it for the first time, along with some other women who haven’t been in a while. I really look forward to this time being able to connect with other mums and drink fantastic tea. Also, I forgot to get a photo of them but my friend made the most awesome biscuits. I am going to hound her for the recipe and I may even share it.

The ladies at Mammas & Babies. There I am trying to slam dunk my child. No Sophie’s were injured in the making of this photo.

Sophie & her bff Skyler

She was genuinely shocked after waking up from a 4 hour nap during the day. So was I.

I also managed to fold that mountain of laundry that I’ve been avoiding about for a week.

So tell me, what’s been happening in your world this week? What household chores have you been avoiding?

Bye for now
x
SF

Darling, it never goes away..

We are out of the newborn phase and heading into milestones, solid food and crawling. Whilst I am sad to have lost the squishy baby phase so soon, I’m loving the constant changes that our tiny human gives us. I’ve noticed that with all these exciting changes, brings so many questions about what is ‘normal’, what she should be doing at … months and how the choices we make now will impact on her as she grows.

Some days I feel like we are doing fine and I am so in awe of our daughter, but if I’m really honest, there are others when I feel so consumed with worry that I wonder if it will ever go away.

My latest concern has been that Sophie isn’t yet rolling over from tummy to back. She somehow manages to achieve it when she’s in her bassinet, but put her on the floor & it’s like watching a dolphin waving its tail at SeaWorld. There’s a whole lot of head lifting and moving from side to side but not a lot of rolling. Yesterday I watched about 30 YouTube tutorials on how to help a baby roll over. I’m not kidding, and I did attempt to implement various techniques and subsequently manage to confuse our tiny human. She was fine. She forgot about it moments later when I showed her some flashing lights. Works every time!

I was chatting through this with an older and wiser woman who I sometimes bounce ideas off. She’s been a major support since I was a teenager and it seems no matter what season of life I am navigating, she’s always got some pearls of wisdom for me. After I told her all of the above & then some about feeling completely bombarded with concern, she calmly responded with these words: “Darling, it never goes away”.  How I wish she had lied to me. Could the woman not tell a fib for the sake of my sanity. There was no sugar coating, no softening the blow; just a promise put rather bluntly that I would never stop worrying about my Sophie.

What she said next has stuck with me and  allowed me to ease up a bit. She asked me,  “why do you think the worry won’t ever leave you? Because the unrelenting love that you feel for your daughter won’t”. Well, that had me in a pile of watery mess on the floor.

Maybe I will never stop worrying about this tiny human of mine. I guess the things I worry about will change and evolve as she grows. I only hope that I will learn the art of trusting the process and not giving so much time to worry. I’ve learnt this week that we can choose to be intentional about what goes on in our mind. I’m working on applying that idea more. Instead of worrying so much about whether she can shake a rattle at three months, I’m going to to focus on worrying about the example I am setting for her in the way I treat others. I will worry about how I speak in front of her and I worry about how much time I invest into teaching her how much she is worth. Those things deserve all the time.

What worries you as a parent? Did you get better at dealing with it over time or does it still consume you?

Xx SF

Weekend Wonders

We had a great weekend in our little family. It was father’s day on Sunday so we decided to declare ‘family time’ to give Steve a break from all the work he’s been doing around the house (more on that to come).

We live about an hour from the Gold Coast so it’s not a far drive for us to go down and enjoy the beach whenever we get a chance. After Steve had a morning of mountain biking, we set off for the coast. We chose to have lunch down there as there’s this great little greek place called Greek Street Grill that we like to go to. They do the most amazing tasting plates and we always leave feeling well fed and happy.

After that I had planned to take some photos of Sophie on the beach with my SLR. Unfortunately she has been a little off this week and she had finally fallen asleep so we decided to let her stay in the land of nod for a little longer. We did cheat and take a nice shot of her in the Ergo on the beach.

The water looked amazing and I was half wishing I had brought my board down so I could have a paddle, but there wasn’t much out there and I was so happy to have some time with Steve.

After we walked on the beach I had planned to go to Donut Boyz, but we came across this cool Belgian chocolate café and Steve insisted we go in so he could have some waffles. I saw fondue and caved. I was slightly annoyed at the size they cut my strawberries for the fondue. It made it nearly impossible to keep them on the skewer. The mocha frappe made up for it though.

Sunday was jam packed with church and extended family Father’s day celebrations. Our church bought 300 Donut Boyz Doughnuts and served them up with Ginger Beer after church, we had a great BBQ with my in-laws for lunch. Sophie decided that the celebrating was all too much and took a large nap on the couch. She had a tutu skirt that went with the outfit but the poor little thing has been rather bloated so I took it off her so she was more comfortable.

I’ve been seeing so many photos of Father’s Day celebrations on social media. Tell me, what are your family traditions for days like this? Did you do something special for your other half on his first Fathers Day?

SF
x

It takes a village

It’s been rather quiet around here lately. For our little family & some others close to us; life just seems to be throwing a few curve balls. I don’t know whether it’s a half year hiatus that arrived a few months late, or that we have been floating on baby cloud nine for the past three months and I’m finally coming back down to earth. Don’t get me wrong, every day is amazing with our tiny human. It’s just that life happens, & I can’t just take a break from parenting you know?

Last fortnight my dad had a fall in the front yard and cracked his head open. He’s okay, other than being less than impressed that I’m now calling him Humpty Dumpty. He had to stay the night in hospital & due to a prior arrangement my Mum was unable to collect him the next morning. Humpty uses a wheelie walker & has poor mobility so it would have been rather difficult to collect him with a tiny human. My mother in-law kindly watched Sophie while I went to pick him up. After retrieving Humpty from hospital; I went to collect my tiny human and started the drive home. As I was driving, I got thinking about this quote:

“It takes a village to raise a child” – African Proverb

It made me realize that over the past few weeks I have seen the above proverb, lived out through the people around me. I don’t know how I would have gotten to this point in motherhood without the support network that I have around me. I am blown away at the support from my husband, my parents, my in-laws & my amazing friends. It’s the little things that have made the biggest difference to our little family.

Little things like: having someone offer to cook us a meal, my mother in-law watching Sophie for me, my Mum coming over to clean my house, & my friends texting me to see how I’m going. I feel for those who don’t have this kind of community around them. I can imagine that it would be really difficult.

There was a time when I didn’t have a lot of people around me. I didn’t have a child, but I had managed to build a proverbial brick wall around myself in some twisted attempt at self preservation. It sucked. A lot. So after a few months of wallowing in self pity, I pulled myself out of my funk and found ways to connect again. I got online and found some groups that were running in my area. I love photography, so once I found a group of people who had something in common with me; it wasn’t so hard to get talking. I also got connected in my local church. The amount of times that my church community have been there to lift me up when I’m feeling heavy have been too many to count. It also means that I now have a resource pool of many generations of mums who have gone before me to bug with questions about tiny humans.

I guess the point I am trying to make is: life is hard & parenting is even harder. You shouldn’t have to go it alone. If you don’t have friends or family around to support you, branch out and find some people who can. I came across this site a few years ago and I tell people about it all the time. Meetup.com is a website with a group for every interest you can imagine. There are groups for web developers, introverts, knitting, mums groups and extreme sports lovers. You can narrow down the search to groups that meet close to your home or city wide. Another way you can branch out is to check out your local play group. If all of these options are still daunting, then please feel free to drop me a line and I can try to help you look at options near you.

I hope whoever you are & wherever you are that you’re having a great week.

Keep living the dream
Sasha Fierce
X

Where did my newborn go?

 
I have found myself asking this question a lot over the past few weeks. Our tiny human is three months old & already I’m fighting the urge to hit rewind.

Sophie has now grown out of most of her 000 baby clothing. It’s problematic as although the 000 clothes are snug, her little legs are too short for 00.  I mistakenly bought a pair of 00 jeans for her this week online, they arrived & I kid you not, they are almost the length of her entire body.

Another change that we’ve noticed is that Sophie has started sleeping through the night. At first she extended her sleep by the odd half hour, & then sometime last week I awoke at 6:00am to find that she had slept through. I can’t help but think that the implementation of a routine & a 7:00pm bedtime has assisted us to get to this point.

Sophie has also began blowing rasberries & making noises in response to us. I have to admit, it’s flipping cute & I may now be “that mum”. You know, the one that pulls faces at their child & makes animal sounds in the supermarket. Yep. I don’t even care, as long as it means that I get to see my tiny human smile.

Speaking of smiles.. Here’s another one for good measure

Isn’t she adorable

Have a brilliant week people

Sasha Fierce Xx

An Open Letter to Mum’s

I became a first time mother 10 weeks ago. It has only been a little over two months, but it feels like the lessons I’ve learnt in that time are enough to last till I’m 80. When I see another mum when I’m out and about, I realise how much we have in common. We have so many differences, I’m sure; but the struggles we face, the questions we ask ourselves and the tiredness we often feel are very much the same.

Dear Other Mums,

I saw you today in the supermarket, with your two little ones. One was screaming for the lollies at the checkout and the other was pulling your skirt demanding attention. I saw the look of embarrassment on your face that screamed “please God just let us get out of this store and in to the car”. I also saw the other mum in the aisle watching and rolling her eyes.

I saw you at the coffee shop with your newborn, you had the same glazed over look that I wear every couple of days. I also saw the working Mum, ready for her day at the office and the way she shook her head in assumption that you had no excuse to be tired.

I saw you in the clothing store. You walked up and down with your pram, trying to find something that would accommodate that “I just gave birth” figure. I also saw the stylish, well dressed mum with her designer pram look you up and down.

I read your post on Facebook, when you said you’re struggling in the hope that someone could relate and provide a hint of encouragement. I also saw some of the comments that followed from women who know exactly how that feels but were too scared to admit it.

Can I let you in on a secret? I have those days too.

I’ve had that moment where I’m at the shops with my screaming newborn and copped the looks from passers-by who have no idea that my child has just been fed, changed and there’s nothing else that I can physically do to meet their needs. They don’t know that my child suffers from reflux and this is the only thing that calms her down when she’s in pain.

I’ve had that moment when it’s 2:00am and I’m tired and emotional and I just need to hear encouragement from someone who “gets it”.

I’ve had that moment when I’m out and about and I see a mum looking oh so fine with her newborn and wonder what planet she came from, because in my world looking like that is not humanly possible.

Why are we so quick to tear each other down? The hardest job I’ve ever had is this one. It’s rewarding and beautiful and the best thing to ever happen to me; but I would be lying if I said it wasn’t hard work.

I’ve never questioned myself as much as I do now as a parent. Google should cut me a cheque for the amount of hits I have given their site in the past 10 weeks.

We need to start pulling back the masks and being honest with each other. We need to stop being so concerned about what people might “think” and being willing to walk up to each other and give a word of encouragement.

Statements like:

• “I’ve been there and you’ll get through it” 
• “you’re doing a good job”
• “it’s okay to not have all the answers”

Never underestimate the power of one of these said outloud to another mum. It reminds us that we are human, that we are not alone, and that there is hope.

To the mums who have grown up children, sometimes the best wisdom that you can share, is the stories of the times that you didn’t get it right.

We need to do less of the comparison and more of the community.

So ladies, I’ve got a newsflash for you:
We’re on the same team. Let me spell that out more clearly..
W E   A R E   O N   T H E   S A M E   T E A M

Let’s build each other up and do less of the tearing down.

Tag, you’re it. Pass it on.

Sasha Fierce.

My dog ate my lactation cookies

We have a dog, and his name is Lattè. He is the definition of the word Special and to say that he has quirks is a vast understatement.

Lattè’s quirks became known to us soon after we brought him home. He developed a fascination with tissues which then progressed to an obsession where he sneaks into rooms and seeks out the tissue box and then eats said tissues whole. I always get the image of Buddy the Elf eating cotton balls when I think of Lattè and his tissue habit.

The following include but are not limited to the other quirks that Lattè displays:

• he is territorial about a dirt mound in our backyard, he will often go out and sit on the mound of dirt and stare at us
• he is afraid of anything new that comes into the house including our gym ball, the baby rocker and Sophie if she is crying
• he has doggie dwarfism, yes you heard me correct, my dog suffers from achondroplasia. His front legs are shorter than his back ones and he stands on a permanent lean
• growling at us for no apparent reason
• Licking the carpet
• Trying to swallow objects whole

It’s been 10 weeks & still he doesn’t understand that Sophie can’t throw him the ball

 

perplexed by the tiny human

 

sprung.. he’d been poking around in Sophie’s room

 

The newest quirk we have noticed is his stealth approach to stealing food. A few months ago he figured out how to get on to the dining room table. There have only been two dinner disasters to date, but I’m quite concerned about the future when Sophie is eating solids.

This week I had some concerns regarding my milk supply, so I purchased some lactation cookies. I have to admit they have a rather strong taste due to the magic ingredient: Brewers yeast, so I made myself a cup of coffee to wash them down with. Just as I sat down to eat I heard Sophie stir on the baby monitor so I went to the other end of the house to settle her. I returned to find that my darling dog had demolished my cookie collection.

It was a fun little phone call to the vet when I called to find out if there would be any adverse effects to Lattè following his binge. I have been assured that it’s a real fluke that he’s not a female dog because otherwise we might have had an issue. My vet found the whole thing quite amusing and asked if I would mind him telling his colleagues because in his 20 years of practicing, that was a new one.

I’m not quite sure why we were chosen to be Lattè’s owners, sometimes I think it’s because no one else could love him like we do. He also brings us a great deal of joy and entertainment.

Have you got a quirky dog? What amusing traits do they display?

Sasha Fierce

Tales of a sleep deprived mum Episode 1

So blogging is all about being honest and getting it out there right? Well, with that in mind I have a confession to make.

I tend to become a little odd when I’m tired. It’s not that I go into nervous breakdown mode or anything; but more that I sometimes can be awkward, clumsy and just a tad like Phoebe from Friends when I’m low on the zzz’s.

Earlier this week I had to make a phone call regarding a service that I have. It had been a rough night with Sophie but I was determined to kick over a few things on my ‘to do’ list before I caught up on sleep. So I made the call, went through the automated system and got connected to a customer service representative. For the purpose of this post lets call her Maggie.

Maggie was very understanding regarding my issue. She spent some time initially checking my details but then allowed me to fully explain the situation. I went on to tell Maggie that I hadn’t been receiving my bank statements each month and how this was causing a lot of confusion when it came to paying my credit card bill because I never knew the minimum amount required for payment. I also politely reminded Maggie that I had purchased a product and how I was disappointed in the bank and their ability to deliver said product.

I didnt get angry, but I did make clear my frustration in regards to the situation and strongly requested that the matter be looked in to and resolved as soon as possible.

I still think that Maggie deserves an award for her patience and willingness to listen to my concerns, because  after I had finished my toned down rant, she calmly explained that whilst she understood my frustration; was I aware that I had called RACQ insurance and not my bank?

Insert awkward silence here. In that moment I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I had no idea what to respond with other than “I’m sorry, I’m a new mum and I’m sleep deprived”. Maggie responded with giggles and some encouragement from one mum to another. I’m sure though that there may have been an office wide email telling the tale of that phone call, or even a meeting to discuss what to do if that girl calls about her bank again.

So what have I learnt from this experience?

1. Don’t zone out when going through an automated phone system. Usually they provide helpful information such as identifying where it is you are calling
2. Be kind to yourself, this new season comes with many new experiences, including making a huge fool of oneself

I have deliberately included Episode 1 in the title because I have no doubt that there will be many more of these to come in the future.

Has anybody else had similar experiences? I’m keen to hear about them.

Sasha Fierce

… and that’s what it’s all about

At the moment I’m feeling like my blog resembles a little bit of a mish-mash of the old and the new, so I thought I would write a post to highlight what my plans are for it and why it started in the first place.

So why the title, you ask? Sasha Fierce has been a self proclaimed nickname that I gave myself a few years ago when I was going through a bit of a rough patch. I’ve always been known as an extrovert who beams confidence; but for a season that all changed. I remember feeling as though I was no longer confident and I struggled to speak my mind. I was blessed with a few friends and family who recognised this change and encouraged me to make some changes. After that, I decided that I wanted to reclaim my confidence and find the Sasha that I once was. It was then that Sasha Fierce became my alter ego. Every now and then, when I need a boost of confidence or just a metaphorical kick up the butt; someone dear to me will remind me that I am Sasha Fierce and I remember where I’ve come from.

Fierce is defined in a few ways, but my favourite is To show a heartfelt and powerful intensity. The idea of this really resonates with me. Not to sound morbid, but if that were written on my gravestone, I would be very happy with the life that I have lived. I like the idea to love people fiercely.

So now that I’ve got that out of the way, why am I writing and what am I writing about? Life. I know that my writing will change from time to time, depending on what season I am in. At the moment I am on maternity leave and soaking up every moment with my newborn; so I anticipate that the next while will include a lot about Mum life and all the experiences that come with that.

I also wear some other ‘hats’ which I am sure will pop up on here. So for now, I guess that sums things up.

I’d love to know, does anyone else out there have an alter-ego or nickname? Where did you get it and why?

Have a great week.

Sasha Fierce